Earlier this year, I dropped the shocking revelation of how much I love TITANIC (1997). So, when Brian from FILMS FROM BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER announced The Third 'Favorite Stars in B Movies' Blogathon, I had to think about it. I mean, I already blogged about Rock Hudson going all mad scientist and Bette Davis & Joan Crawford taking sibling rivalry to the extreme. This time I wanted to write about an acting talent before fame came a-knockin’. After scrolling through and striking out with the IMDb pages of a few well-known names, I thought of TITANIC and suddenly, I was king of the blogging world! I would review Leonardo DiCaprio in the direct-to-video sequel CRITTERS 3!
I’ll never let go, Jack.
screenplay by David J. Schow/directed by Kristine Peterson
In case you don’t know, CRITTERS is a sci-fi/horror film franchise about ferocious little aliens who devour everything in their path. They even have porcupine-like quills they can shoot to paralyze their prey. CRITTERS (1986) is the best of the GREMLINS rip-offs. The original centers around a farm family fighting against the killer alien furballs and was inspired by an allegedly true incident in Kentucky from 1955. Several eyewitnesses claim to have defended their farm from little aliens whose flying saucer had landed nearby. (Click Kelly–Hopkinsville Encounter for more on this interesting piece of very American history.)
Not a deluxe apartment in the sky.
After two films set in a small Kansas town, the Critters are movin’ on up to a rundown big city apartment building. The tenants range from kids to senior citizens and they have more to deal with than just ravenous alien creatures. There’s an apartment manager being paid to drive everyone away by releasing rats in the building and causing random power cuts. The man behind the manager’s nastiness is a despicable slumlord who wants to tear down the apartment building in order to build a mini-mall. However, the tenants and the Critters have other ideas!
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
CRITTERS 3 is generally entertaining for what it is. It’s nowhere as good as the first one, but has its moments. The elderly couple were my favorite characters, played by Frances Bay and Bill Zuckert. I was pleasantly surprised to see Diana Bellamy as another tenant. She would go on to play Principal Hall in the TV series POPULAR (1999-2001). Oh, and it would be a crime to forget Don Keith Opper who, for a third time, played former town drunk turned bounty hunter, Charlie. For some reason, Charlie lost his badass bounty hunter outfit from the second one and is dressed similar to Wilbur Finletter from the KILLER TOMATOES franchise, minus the parachute.
Charlie & Wilbur: fashionistas from another mother.
Last, but not least, there is Leonardo DiCaprio. I hesitate to call him a “favorite” actor of mine, but I have seen a number of his films. TITANIC is obviously my favorite, but I also enjoyed REVOLUTIONARY ROAD (2008), which re-teamed him with Kate Winslet in a different way. As for CRITTERS 3, DiCaprio played Josh, who is the stepson of the slumlord. Leo was a good child actor, but, in my opinion, he didn’t stand out. He did as good of job as the other kids in the cast. Honestly, something about his acting style, maybe his delivery, reminded me a whole lot of Edward Furlong in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991). For the record, this is not a positive comparison, but Leo would’ve been a better, less annoying choice for that role. I had to check and it appears young Leonardo DiCaprio neither auditioned for nor was considered for the role of John Conner. Though somewhere, in an alternate reality, Edward Furlong was in CRITTERS 3 and TITANIC, while Leo starred in TERMINATOR 2 and John Waters’ PECKER (1998).
Leo isn’t quite sure of that career path.
In conclusion…
As with most sequels, CRITTERS 3 is an entertaining, forgettable distraction that can’t touch the clever, freaky fun of the first film. So, if your filmic OCD compels you to watch every film in a franchise or you’re a Leonardo DiCaprio completist, CRITTERS 3 may be the film for you!
SIDE NOTE:A few years before Stella got her groove back, Angela Bassett stood out in CRITTERS 4 (1992), but that’s another post for another time.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Speaking of little critters devouring everything, dare to visit the town of STURGEONS… Population: 4,017 and dropping…
Jimmy Love can heal you of your maladies by placing his miraculous hands upon you! You will feel the power of his Divine love blowing through your soul! Yes, this 23-year old, 6-foot-tall traveling blond Adonis evangelist will fill the deep hole inside you with Glory!
Surely you’ve read the newspaper articles about how, at a young age, Jimmy’s parents died in an automobile accident and how he was adopted by Brandon Parker, a friend and army buddy of his late father. Undoubtedly you were captivated in learning how Jimmy became an overnight Prophet after seeing Jesus in a barn in Indiana! It was a sign from Heaven above! A sign to guide Jimmy and his adopted father onto the path of spreading the Gospel from town to town! A sign to milk every last penny from the willfully ignorant congregation! Hallelujah!
Now the unthinkable has happened! After healing the inflicted two nights in a row, Jimmy Love has disappeared, bringing the religious community to its knees in prayer for his safe return! Where is their Anointed One and will they ever feel the massive power of his love again? Good things come to those who wait, for prophecy tells us the blessed answer will be delivered in seven days. Well, at least I can tell you since I read the book.
Either through Divine intervention or a coordinated publicity stunt, the missing evangelist has resurfaced in Los Angeles! Praise Jimmy Love, oh, and Jesus for his safe return to the fold, but what happened to the precious preacher during those seven days? According to the newspapers, Jimmy Love was lost in the Arizona desert, on the brink of death, when four men descended upon him from above. The four 5’ 11”, brown-haired studs blew life back into Jimmy Love and now they are his Apostles!
In reality, Jimmy Love has grown tired of being in the Holy spotlight. With the help of his adopted father, Jimmy Love has concocted one last revival to blow the minds and bank accounts of his faithful followers. On a clear pedestal, backed by a screen of swirling clouds and surrounded by streaming fog, Jimmy Love will take to the stage. At either of his sides will be his four Apostles, clad only in color coordinated posing straps to match the various tints of light shining on them. Will the spectacle be a raging success? Will the congregation work itself into a frenzy of religious fervor and sexual arousal?
SPOILER ALERT! The reader will never know! Just as the four Apostles are literally revealed, Brandon Parker dies of a heart attack backstage and suddenly finds himself in WWII with Jimmy Love’s father. The man offers his hand to shake in gratitude for Brandon taking such good care of his son.
Yup, that’s how GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS ends, making me think the terrific double entendre title actually has three meanings, including the reader being a sucker for reading this book. The ending is wildly anticlimactic, especially because it is made perfectly clear that Brandon had been in love with Jimmy’s father. Couldn’t the two men have at least experienced a more satisfying afterlife happy ending?
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some ridiculously entertaining aspects to the book. The way the religious crowds fall for Jimmy Love’s schtick is amusingly spot on when comparing it with televangelists of the 1980’s and the preachers of modern day mega-churches. The names of the first three Apostles (Dallas Slaughter, Tony Wolfe and Dale Ducommun) are made even funnier by the fourth one’s more ordinary name (Keith Anderson). Oh, and I appreciate there are only seven chapters, which I think is a sly wink at the seven days of Creation. I just wish author Will E. Graham, whose obvious pen-name is brilliant in more ways than one, would have had even more fun putting the satirical screws to religion and fanatical believers. It’s not quite as blasphemously funny as it should’ve been, but maybe all the queer sex mingled with Christianity heightens the humor. Plus, it’s frustrating when intriguing plot elements are introduced and then abandoned. Something scandalous, which is not fully explained, happened in Florida with Jimmy Love and when you think it’s coming back to haunt him, the subplot fizzles out. I guess I’m used to this style of storytelling thanks to Andy Milligan. Another thing is Jimmy Love’s too close for comfort relationship with his adopted father. Yes, they are both adults and not blood related, but it added an ick factor for me. I know I shouldn’t be so judgy considering some of the incestuous overtones in the films of, once again, Andy Milligan. Ugh, I hate it when my favorite filmmakers make me feel like a hypocrite!
“Turn around if you want to and blow your love on the person behind you!” -Jimmy Love
In conclusion… GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS isn’t the best piece of Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction I’ve read, but it’s not the worst either. It is somehow entertaining and disappointing at the same time. So, if you’re in the mood for a low-key satirical look at religiosity with a queer twist, then GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS by Will E. Graham may be the book for you! Just don’t forget to say your nightly prayer after reading.🙏 Amen! 😏 Freak be with you, JLH
On a recent excursion to a nearby city, my sister and I stopped at a well-known big box store which doesn’t need more advertising here. Surprisingly, physical media is still sold in this marketplace, so I had to pop on my Mad Scientist Glasses to see what was on the shelf.
I purchased two films. One was a planned purchase. The other was an impulse buy. Which one was which and will I keep them both or are they headed for the library discard table? Let’s find out…
NOSFERATU (2024)
written & directed by Robert Eggers
This is a 21st Century remake of the 1922 German silent film of the same name. The silent film was an unlicensed adaptation of the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker, so you know the basic plot. Thomas, a young realtor, visits Transylvania to secure a deal with a reclusive aristocrat and inadvertently unleashes a vampire upon the world, or at least upon one city.
Peekaboo, Count Orlok sees you!
NOSFERATU is a beautifully crafted update that fleshes out some unexplored plot elements from the original. Real estate proprietor Knock has a bit more to do than simply go mad and eat bugs, while the psychic connection between the realtor’s wife Ellen and Count Orlok is more fully developed. Visually dark (I would’ve been lost without Adrienne Barbeau’s descriptive audio narration) and emotionally moody, NOSFERATU is a solid love letter to its source material. However, if you want a truly unsettling vampire, nothing compares to the original silent film.
As an added bonus, NOSFERATU contains a wink and a nod to a couple of other vampire films through its cast. Nicholas Hoult plays Thomas, but in 2023, the actor was the title character in the outrageously fun Dracula spin-off RENFIELD. Willem Dafoe plays the disgraced professor who is treating Ellen’s maladies in NOSFERATU, but in 2000, he portrayed the original silent film NOSFERATU actor Max Schreck in SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE.
THELMA (2024)
written & directed by Josh Margolin
When Thelma is scammed out of $10,000 by someone pretending to be her grandson, there’s only one thing for this 93-year-old widow to do. Go after the scammer to get her money back by trekking across the city without her overprotective family’s knowledge. Will she succeed in her impossible mission? Hang onto your scooter because it’s going to be a wild ride!
Hell hath no fury like a Granny scammed!
THELMA is a delightfully funny, low-key crazy film about family, friendship and the realities of aging. There’s the right amount of heart to ground the story without causing the viewer to vomit.
The cast is perfection with June Squibb as the determined Thelma. She brings a human touch to a character that could’ve been portrayed as a caricature by a lesser thespian. Richard Roundtree, in his final role, brings sweet sincerity as Thelma’s cohort Ben. Parker Posey, as Thelma’s understandably stressed-out daughter, is a joy to watch and listen to, as always. Fred Hechinger, as Thelma’s devoted grandson, brings a bit of slacker charm to the table.
NOSFERATU was my planned purchase because I have the silent version and a remake from the 1970s, so my filmic OCD demanded I purchase a copy of the new one. THELMA was the impulse buy. The vivid cover caught my half-blind eyes, but even with my Mad Scientist Glasses on, I couldn’t quite decipher the title. I thought it was called Tell Me, so I asked my sister to tell me what the hell I was looking at. She read the title and then mentioned Parker Posey was in it. With that, THELMA was immediately put in my basket.
Wait, what are you putting where?
In conclusion…
Neither THELMA nor NOSFERATU will be donated to the library. I enjoyed both and they each deserve more viewings. However, if I could only keep one, it would be THELMA, which is currently streaming on Hulu. The story was full of surprises and was extremely entertaining and satisfying. Plus, it has Parker Posey!
Are you bored? Lonely? Unhappy with life? If you answered yes, worry no longer! You just need Aylmer in your life! No, not Elmer. Aylmer!
“Come to me and get my juice.”
After Aylmer, a slimy, slug-like alien creature, befriends you while you sleep by drilling a hole in the back of your neck, he will always have your back or at least be on it. For whenever you’re feeling down, Aylmer will simply insert his long stem into your newly acquired orifice and splash your brain with his electric blue juice so you will begin to see the world in a whole new feel-good hallucinogenic light.
A little dab’ll do ya.
You will no longer have to worry yourself with work, relatives or love. Aylmer’s juice is now all you need. However, he will give you the courage to meet new and interesting people at dance clubs and communal showers. You may even share some pleasurable interactions with your new friends before Aylmer eats their tasty brains. Is that too high of price for this type of intensely deep parasitic friendship? I think not! I mean, Aylmer will even sing to you when you’re suffering withdrawal symptoms from a lack of his juice. Isn’t that sweet?
All aboard for this juice trip!
So, be cool like Brian in BRAIN DAMAGE and get your brain hooked an Aylmer’s juice! Not sure where to find an Aylmer of your own? Check random puddles or your neighbor’s bathtub. When he’s not devouring human brains, Aylmer loves a-splishin’ and a-splashin’!
A boy’s best friend is his Aylmer.
How the hell did I not see BRAIN DAMAGE until now? It must not have turned up on HBO back in the day and my town’s local video store must have failed to stock it. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I stumbled upon this late ’80’s gem on Tubi. Writer/director Frank Henenlotter (best known for BASKET CASE) creates a wild and weird mash-up of sci-fi, horror and comedy. The plot and visuals are crazy, gruesome and “so wrong but so right” style of funny. Seriously, the back alley fellatio scene encompasses all of those attributes and will blow your mind, so to speak.
Rick Hearst (best known to me for the daytime soap GENERAL HOSPITAL) is a blast to watch as Brian, especially when the character is joyously high on Aylmer’s juice. Then there is the voice of Aylmer. Yes, the slimy phallic symbol talks and he is voiced by “Dinner With Drac” singer John Zacherle. It’s brilliant that Aylmer sounds gentle and intelligent instead of gross and scary.
In conclusion…BRAIN DAMAGE truly entertained and defied my expectations at every turn. So, if you need a fun distraction or a mood enhancer, draw a bath and lose your mind in a good way with BRAIN DAMAGE!
CONFESSION: I haven’t seem the two sequels to Frank Henenlotter’s BASKET CASE, but they are also currently streaming on Tubi, along with the first one and FRANKENHOOKER. Guess it’s time for a Frank Henenlotter movie marathon!
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Get your brain hooked on my modern take on 1950’s sci-fi horror flicks and what happens after the end credits roll…
~~~~~~~~~~~~ This post is part of The Seventh So Bad It's Good Blogathon, hosted by Rebecca of Taking Up Room from February 21-23, 2025.
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This haunted house flick starts with a bang! Two in fact! A seemingly happy couple, dressed in their wedding attire, are dancing to an old record of the Wedding March. In a romantic moment, the husband reaches for a gun and murders his wife before taking his own life.
Home Sweet murder home.
Flash forward to three years later.
Is that a ghost in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Carol and Johnathan Henderson have just bought the murder house, which shares a resemblance to Norman Bates’ home sweet home, and they couldn’t be happier. Well, that is until strange occurrences begin to occur. Tea cups left on the counter are suddenly in the sink. Notepads and candlesticks move on their own. A dead telephone rings and the record player turns on, playing the Wedding March. Then there is the night Carol and Johnathan are nearly gassed to death when their stove is switched on. Oh, and a maid they hired is tormented with cobwebs or ectoplasm or maybe Silly String by the ghostly bride, who then forces the poor woman to slit her own throat. So, of course, this is the perfect time to throw a housewarming party!
Toasting the death of fashion.
The guest list includes two couples. There is Tony and Margaret, who we don’t learn too much about. Thankfully, there is also Ann and Walter, who we get to know through a couple of terrific scenes with Ann’s enjoyably bitchy mother. (“Oh god, I’m too young to be a mother. Now I’m going to be a grandmother! What ever will I tell my boyfriend?”) These scenes reveal that Ann is pregnant and plans to surprise Walter with the news at the housewarming party. However, the surprise is on everyone when Margaret is injured at the party and has to be taken to the hospital and then Walter dies when a radio supernaturally makes a splash in his bath.
Just say no to housewarming parties!
After the party and Walter‘s funeral, Johnathan goes back to work and Carol digs into the history of the house. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, anyone who drops by or breaks into the house is quickly dispatched by the ghostly bride and dragged off to wherever ghosts store bodies. What are Carol and Johnathan going to do? Call in a priest? Leave the haunted house? Sit down for a chat with the ghostly bride? They choose all three options and it all leads to an ending that still doesn’t quite make sense to me, even after multiple viewings.
The ghostly bride won’t tell, but I will!
SPOILER ALERT! The priest dies, which finally convinces Johnathan and Carol to get the hell out of there! While Johnathan is loading the car, Carol starts chatting with the ghostly bride. Carol says she doesn’t want to leave and the ghostly bride tells her she and Johnathan can stay if they don’t renovate the house. However, when Johnathan enters, he finds Carol with a crazed look in her eyes, holding hands with both the ghostly bride and the ghostly groom. Cut to the ghosts joyously watching Johnathan and Carol reenacting their murder-suicide and then cut to a For Sale sign outside of the now presumably double haunted house.
Just another Milligan happy ending!
CARNAGE was written and directed by Andy Milligan and it’s neither his best (NIGHTBIRDS) nor his worst (SURGIKILL). Deep down I know CARNAGE is a bad film. The direction is lackadaisical, along with the pacing. The writing is generally generic and sometimes confusing, but the scenes with Ann and her enjoyably bitchy mother are sharp and funny. (Ann: “I can’t even get any love from my own mother.” Mother: “You got plenty of that nasty stuff when you were in pigtails.”)
A mother‘s work is never done.
In Milligan’s defense, CARNAGE was his last East Coast film and it was produced by Lew Mishkin, the son of the legendary grindhouse producer William Mishkin. Lew and Andy did not get along, so Andy might not have put his full manic energy into it. The actors in CARNAGE lack the frantic vibe of some of his past performers, which adds to the lack of urgency in the story. Chris Baker as Ann and Che Moody as Ann’s enjoyably bitchy mother (“Oh god, I feel uncomfortable.”) easily give the best performances but cant quite touch the brilliance of former Milligan staples, such as Neil Flanagan and Hope Stansbury.
However, despite or maybe because of the deficiencies, I enjoy CARNAGE. The squeaky sound effects whenever an object moves is endearingly goofy. There is unintentional humor in the maid’s less than scared reaction as the ghost bride torments her. Some of the ultra-low budget gore effects are surprisingly somewhat effective. Plus, we are treated to the Milligan staple of a pitchfork to the neck! Oh, and obviously there is also Ann and her enjoyably bitchy mother, who may not be as crazy abusive as other Milligan mommies, but their often less than loving interaction brings a much needed bit of edge to the film. (Ann: “Oh, mother…” Mother: “Stop that right now! The last thing I want is to play mother to a crying brat.”)
“Now shut up and drink your breakfast!”
In conclusion… CARNAGE is the least “Andy Milligan” Milligan film. Even my sister said it felt different than his other films I’ve subjected her to. Still, I always find myself enjoying the nonsense when I pop in the disc from THE DUNGEON OF ANDY MILLIGAN box set. So, if you’re in a low-budget ghostly mood, pour yourself a cup of tea and call a priest because CARNAGE may be the so bad it’s good haunted house flick for you!
May the filmic gods have mercy on your soul!
Freak Out, JLH
P.S. Speaking of ghostly moods, click the pic ⤵️ for a post where I stalk the ghost of Andy Milligan…
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drive through the seemingly tranquil streets of Sturgeons, but just know the secluded summit of Stickler Hill is waiting for you! 🏡
This is not the first time an audio commentary pushed me deeper into the underground filmic rabbit hole. BLONDE AMBITION is a prime example, but unlike that rollicking sex and dance farce, THE MEATRACK and STICKS AND STONES are not pornos. They would probably fall under the category of Sexploitation, with maybe a hint of Roughie.
written by Joel Ensana/directed by Richard Stockton
Picking up this hitchhiker may cost you 10 bucks
J.C. is a wandering bisexual hustler, hitching rides and using what he’s got to get money. After a few tricks, including a bored housewife, a cynical transvestite with sailor boy dreams, and a nice guy named Ken, J.C. rescues a young woman from a lecherous photographer. Jean is also a wanderer, so they seem to be a perfect match, even though she is not an ally to “the gays.” Will their relationship survive after two drag queens force J.C and Jean at knifepoint to have sex with each other on film so the intruders can sell it as a porno? What will happen if Jean catches J.C. with a male client? All I will say is the ending shares a vibe with Andy Milligan’s FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET.
Should we shoot from the top or bottom?
The Andy Milligan vibe is one of the reasons I enjoyed THE MEATRACK. J.C. has been damaged by a domineering mother and a flaky father, which is a Milligan staple. The cynical transvestite, who laments the tragedy of getting old in the gay community, could be a close cousin to Cherry Lane in FLESHPOT. Hmmm…maybe Milligan was inspired by THE MEATRACK. Anyhoo, the two drag queen pornographers, who are darkly amusing, seem to have escaped from a Gregg Araki film. So it’s no wonder I enjoyed THE MEATRACK, especially with its overall downbeat tone. SIDE NOTE: I had assumed “the gays” was a 21st century turn of phrase, so I was surprised to hear it spoken in a film from 1970.
directed by Stan Lopresto (there doesn’t appear to be a writing credit)
Your hosts for the evening
Buddy enjoys staying out all hours of the night and Peter prefers to stay at home. What is a couple supposed to do as their relationship spirals down in flames? Throw a 4th of July party on Fire Island, of course. Inviting a leather queen, a stereotypical flamer and a new age guru should keep the party poppin’ but the couple’s tension is a total buzzkill. An impromptu striptease supposedly livens up the festivities and causes more friction between Buddy and Peter. What will happen when the party is over? Will Peter and Buddy fight it out or love it out? Maybe both? I’m not really sure, so please suffer through this film and tell me what you think.
How many stereotypes does it take to change a car tire?
To be honest, I was hoping STICKS AND STONES would be better. The pacing suffers from a lack of momentum and the plot is meandering around there somewhere. The acting is forgettable, with the exception of the stereotypical flamer, but even his schtick grows tired real quick. I mean, do we really need to experience him full-throttle flaming out while changing a car tire in real time? No, I think not! Then there is the monstrous story Peter tells about a puppy he found which was supposed to show how deeply the character loves, I guess. It just makes him seem like a psychopath. STICKS AND STONES feels like it wants to be THE BOYS IN THE BAND (1970) but fails to have a cohesive story or intriguing characters.
He is judging their party attire
In conclusion…It’s pretty obvious which one I prefer, but I feel both films should be experienced at least once. They are early examples of openly queer cinema, which is important, now more than ever. So, if you’re in the mood for a 1970’s style of Something Weird, then stick out your thumb and hitch a ride with THE MEATRACK and then RSVP to the never-ending party of STICKS AND STONES!
SIDE NOTE: The bonus features on this Something Weird DVD includes an “8mm-Mail-Order Specialty” short titled JOHNNY GIANT, which stars John Holmes, who is not a stranger to this blog. (see WIDOW BLUE) Guess this legendary hetero-centric adult film actor was either “gay for pay” or there was way more to Mr. Holmes than met the eye!
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. click a pic ⤵️ for more queer cinema… 🏳️🌈🍿
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Plunge into the pleasures of lust, the pains of love and the problems of death within the tangled web of desire and deceit sequestered behind the icy gates of the Van Der Van mansion! 🩸 (Free with Kindle Unlimited)
